Amanda Goodwin Caporaletti

I like to call myself an introvert with extroverted tendencies. I like people, and I like talking to people, and I even like meeting new people, but if I’m not in the mood to talk, you would surely describe me as shy and maybe even closed off. And when I’m not in the mood, my nonverbals show it. I avoid eye contact, I maintain an expressionless face, and if I must talk, I answer questions with short, often one-word responses. This never seemed like a problem for me until I realized that time and time again, I'd be in situations that called for me to assert myself, and I wouldn't do it. I’m not talking about with my friends or with my colleagues; I’m talking about meeting new people or making myself vulnerable to others. In high school I had great relationships, but never a serious romantic relationship. I had a classmate who seemed interested in me, and I knew that if this was going to go anywhere, all I had to do was show some interest in him – maybe even just make a little eye contact. But I just couldn't do it. He'd have to have been a mind reader to have had any idea I liked him, looking at my expressionless face, at my eyes that refused to meet his. Well, he wasn't a mind reader and ended up dating someone else. I didn't blame him – I blamed myself. I didn’t want to live like this, and if you’ve had a similar realization, you are not alone and there is hope! As an undergraduate at the University of Connecticut, I got my first glimmer of hope. I took an interpersonal communication course and saw that I was becoming less shy and a little more assertive. How could I not? Like many college students, I was in a new place with no friends. I had to practice starting conversations with people I didn't know, and I had to practice keeping our conversations going. Eventually I met a guy that I was interested in dating. We were in a small class together and after class one night we walked out of the building together but were headed in different directions. I wanted to keep talking to him, and convinced myself that if he wasn’t interested, it was no big deal. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. It felt like torture as I forced myself to turn around, and my heart was racing as I picked up my pace to catch up to him. I didn’t really know what to say when I did catch up with him, but again reminded myself that it was ok if he wasn’t interested. We had a quick chat and I asked him if he’d like to hang out sometime. To my astonishment, he said yes! When I got back to my dorm that night and told my roommate about it, I almost didn’t recognize myself, but I liked who I saw. My hopes and dreams of becoming a broadcast journalist or working in public relations died that day. What I was learning in my interpersonal communication course combined with my own experiences made me realize just how valuable these skills were and I wondered, why is this not a required class for EVERY undergraduate? I could see how these skills were changing my own life and I knew that I wanted to teach others what I didn’t know I needed to be taught – I wanted to teach interpersonal communication skills. When I applied to the master’s program at the University of Maine, I was finally able to teach these skills to other people. Again, I found myself in a new place with no friends, but easily started conversations and built relationships. I shared my journey with my students, and the fact that so many of them could relate to not being assertive or feeling too shy to meet people gave me a new sense of purpose. Seeing my students have these “a-ha” moments as they were learning these new skills was inspiring to me. My journey continued at Penn State, where I obtained my Doctorate in interpersonal communication. My students regularly tell me that my course was changing their lives. I had one student who was outgoing, enthusiastic, and always participated in class. I was shocked when she told me that she really struggled talking with new people. She reminded me a bit of myself when I was her age. Together we set some goals, and over the course of the semester, both in and out of class, worked on her interpersonal skills, specifically her fear of rejection when meeting new people. At the end of the semester, she wrote me a note thanking me for helping her overcome her fears. She ended her note saying, “In most classes, I learn about the world around me but this class was special because here I learned about myself.” I am honored to share my knowledge and passion for teaching with students who need and appreciate these skills. But what about the students who don’t come through my classroom door? How can I share these valuable skills with anyone eager to learn them? One day I heard that Alan Garner was at Penn State, talking to Denise Solomon, the head of my department, who was recommending ME to do an update of his interpersonal skills book, Conversationally Speaking. It was ancient by book standards (40 years old) but amazingly, was still selling well because it had a reputation for people who struggled with making connections with others. It had a chapter on shyness, which resonated with me. It was a big hit with readers and was recommended by lots of psychologists for their patients because it summarizes 40 books by Dr. Albert Ellis into an easy-to-understand explanation of why people are shy and how they can overcome their shyness to be a better communicator. The book had a quote from Dr. Aaron Beck, who was well-known to me as he was a famous teacher at the University of Pennsylvania. It went, "Conversationally Speaking is of great value for people who want to sharpen their skills in interpersonal relations. I routinely recommend it." I knew compliments like that were seldom given by Dr. Beck. Also, he had a quote from Dr. Ellis, whose cognitive school of therapy is followed by thousands of. Alan had devoted his life to teaching these skills, and now the head of my department was recommending he consider updating the book and having ME be the one to help. I was beyond thrilled when Alan asked me to be his co-author on the newly enhanced edition of the million-selling and highly rated book, Conversationally Speaking. Together we can share our dream of teaching the world these simple yet life-changing skills.