Vincent Daniels

Hi, I'm Vincent Daniels, author of Meaty Balls - a collection of essays, expositions, and insightfully elegant potty humor (which I heard you like). It's got like a million chapters (thirty, actually). I also released a new book titled Holly Jolly Nothing. It's a memoir recounting absurdities from my religiously-stymied childhood along with other awesome coming-of-age stuff. If you have any semblance of a heart, I think you'll dig it. Even some of you heartless A-holes will get a kick out of it too.

If you're asking, "What makes you so special that you get to write hilarious books that I'll love forever?" Here's why: I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and was out preaching to strangers about Satan's hooves as a ten-year-old. I wasn't allowed to celebrate birthdays or holidays but went to a public school where that stuff made up half the curriculum. Plus all the wonky beliefs and cult conventions are funny, in retrospect. Also, I'm half-Asian, which isn't intrinsically funny in itself, but being the only foreign-looking kid in an all-white, hillbilly suburb is funny, also in retrospect. Additionally, I was married into a Puerto Rican family and gained two hundred spicy in-laws who swear enough to make Martin Scorsese blush.

In addition to those balls-out hilarious things about me, I now live in Detroit, which has a large black population and a lot of crime. I'm not insinuating the two are related, I'm simply stating those things because that's what people usually think of when they think of Detroit. Though both are true, I've never been mugged or murdered by anyone black (or any race). Okay, this is coming out all wrong. One of my best friends is actually black. I'm tempted to rewrite this paragraph because it sounds suspicious, but I told myself I'd write this once and not edit it. This is getting wordy, so I'm going to list the other reasons I'm capable of writing a funny book without as much explanation:

5. Starting with "5" because technically there are four "Reasons I'm Funny" written above. I'm going to start a new "5" because this one got ruined by this explanation.

Real 5. After being married to the Puerto Ricans, I got divorced...and divorce is hilarious! (After you've moved on, lost weight, and bought a bigger TV.)

6. I'm an auto-industry stooge who gets paid to design auto parts while writing essays in a word processor minimized in the bottom corner of my screen. Don't tell my boss. (That includes you, PC-monitoring IT guy.)

7. I go to dive bars and drink a lot. I look foreign. I'm divorced. I have a black friend. We have sweet hip-hop dance moves. Antics ensue.

8. I'm a part-time musician who plays guitar, writes mushy love songs, and says, "Yeah, I've sold a bunch of MP3s," even though I've only sold ten over the past five years and only made enough money to buy a combo meal at Taco Bell.

9. I have a gigantic collection of rocks & fossils, comic books, '80s toys, movie memorabilia, weapons (non-functioning replicas), old-school video games, dinosaur books, hockey jerseys, lawn equipment, and button-up shirts that I never wear. The point being, I'm an expert on everything and exceptionally geeky in a sexy and sophisticated way that'll make you feel pretty cool.

So my advice is this: Nab a copy of Holly Jolly Nothing and/or Meaty Balls like the good-for-nothing nabber that you are, and live the remainder of your life, or at least a few measly days, in a cozy, orgasmic reading bliss. Let's cuddle after!